Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
