Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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