All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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