the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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