i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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