I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
