a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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