WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
