Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
