It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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