I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I think i got beer on your cat.
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