a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
