my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
