So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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