You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
