He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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