I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
