A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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