Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
