My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize