Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
