Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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