Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
