please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
