You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
