i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
