dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
