Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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