just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
