I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
