Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
