Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
