jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
