just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
