Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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