there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
