I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
