I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
