i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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