Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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