I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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