At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
