I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
