I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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