nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize