Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
