My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
What a dumb baby whore.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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