My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
