I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize