I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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