Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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