I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Randomize
