Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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