man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
