I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
