if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
