why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
